Selected Speeches.
The following are a selection of a few of the sanctimonious orations given by Exalted Cyclops Ben Granby at various public rallies. Learn well from them, for you will never hear such refulgent words uttered elsewhere. They are not unlike a pleasant lactation.
NOTE:Parens "( )" indicate a high pitched intonation of the voice during the speech.
1. The Crucifixion Re-enactment
2. Jonestown Massacre Re-Enactment
3. The Chain-Gang Choir
4. The Mock Uprising
Crucifixion Speech
Oration given 9/25/96 during crucifixion of TFT Piss-Boy Anders Carlson
Description of the event
Awake students! Awake to TEN-FAT-TIGERS! Alert yourselves to the bastion of hope being lain upon the cross of deceit. THis is no re-enactment. No, this is an exposition of shame. That hollowed man before you is guilty of sinning against the mighty ASM! He tried to free the students, he tried to liberate our souls from the wretched student government. Today he will be made an example of ! Listen, as they spoke unto him:
(Anders:)FORGIVE THEM STUDENTS! THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO!
The weary wicked souls splayed upon this pinnacle of justice. CONFESS! You wanted more rights, you wanted free beer, you wanted to deconstruct the oligarchy of the students government! Well, listen well, for ONE was the Deciple of hope who struggled on, TWO was the Deciple of glory who lost his footing, THREEE was the Deciple of remorse who longed for the visitation of the Elvis, FOUR was the Deciple of pity who wallowed in hazy hue, FIVE was the Deciple of sanctity who hid from his greatest joy, SIX was the Deciple of reprisal who punished ASM chair Angela Smith, SEVEN was the Deciple of ignorance who failed to vote for TEN-FAT-TIGERS, EIGHT was the Deciple of pride who held fast to the gloom, NINE was the Deciple of grinning who baked FRESH LICKING those sublime recepticles AND YOU KNOW THE REST. So CONFESS and let the coward speak, for he spake unto them:
(Anders:)OH STUDENTS! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!
Callous is the student who fails to recognize our blasophemy. Oh, TEN-FAT-TIGERS sins. It sins against the decent Dean, against the cautious Chancellor, against the pallid professors, AGAINST THE HORROR THAT IS THE ASM. Invoke your dreams on the man on that cross. As the asphyxiation sets in, keep in mind his true words: Entropy is not a toy. STOP PLAYING WITH YOURSELVES! You are righteous to watch us with a wary eye. Let usstab you in the back, lest the aASM stab you in the face. In the land of surrealism anything is possible. Even justice for the wretched elite!
Today we are on the threshold of the neanderthal dream. We sing (praise to the little ones!) BUT NOT IN THiS HOUSE. NOT UNDER ASM RULE! You long-haired freaks, you abominations of depravity, listen closely... The ASM is not your friend, the student government is run by communists, your money is not safe anymore, the future is a flame singeing your last eyebrow hairs. CONFESS! You know you want free will. You know you want to be a TEN-FAT-TIGERS on the cross. This sacrifice is your wettest dream. Ask: (why are there no jails for whales?) Well liberty comes to those who favor lunar crutons. And the student government HATES SALAD! Caeser wasn't a virgin! So fear them. And they spake unto him:
(Anders:)I'M THIRSTY.
Ooh... We lavished you with promises of a glorious university last year - and the ASM lavished you with concrete! So CONFESS! I see your lust for pornography eating you alive. CONFESS! THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING US. Let go of your hemmoraging eyes. Feel the vacuum of an eyeless socket. Go with TEN-FAT-TIGERS. But you ask TO STRANGLE IN THREE HALVES (whispering all the while to angels) WHO TREAD MILL DAILY! You! The complacent one! You the ignoble one! You who willingly suffers under ASM tyranny. I fart on you. FART FART FAR-PBBBBT! [juicy bronx cheer] This man never farted. No he died for student rights. He twisted in the breese like a pretzel in a candy store. For one he the TEN-FATtest-TIGER said: "You standard-bearer of oft-repeated ASM farethewells and student government shit holes! I spit on you from my shoulder because it's easy to lean upon your slovenly fatuousness and blow your ASM relics into fits of anarchy. I care not, and always do."
He the King of Students, the King of the Badgers, the Son of the Lord UW Chancellor now lays exposed to you. His flesh calls for abolishment of the ASM. His liver begs for liberty, his NOSTRILS FLARE FOR TEN-FAT-TIGERS. Listen closely, as he spake unto them:
(Anders:)FORGIVE THEM STUDENTS! THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO!
Your savior awaits. The Son of Chancellor the Embodiment of the Lohy UW Trinity (Chancellor/Badger/ and Ratboy) is breathing his last gasps. His lungs are caving in. And where do you stand? You mock his glory. Are you an ASM todaie too? When Gerald Ford said "There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe" he wasn't talking about our hopes and dreams, he was accusing you of misappropriation of student government funds. Is it not painfully clear that your suffering is transparent? (ooh. A pretty behemoth dances the sticks of miscalculation) BUT YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEARTS THAT IT IS THE ASM WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE DEATH OF TUPAC. CONFESS! Only the weak will survive. And TEN-FAT-TIGERS is the sustinence that feeds your running dog lackey of the bourgeois urge. Rome was not just a city, it was a metropolitain district. But stay calm, as our savior dies for the sings of the TEN-FAT-TIGERS, refresh your minds with what Juan Brea once said: "You are a crab on the track, with claws open, to nip at the wheels of the train." Don't be horrified. The birds of prey in the student government will eat only their young. (Huh! I like to rub cookies on the postal workers!) Simian.
You know no shame since you know no fear. Bear witness to what the ASM will do to you! The man on the cross could be you. His torments, yours. Join TEN-FAT-TIGERS, fight the dirty fight. Join us on our latest space adventure, floating yet misaligned with the fruit tree of answered survival, a victim trumpeting the echoes of another span. ITS TIME TO FACE THE DURDEN OF THIS EPOCH. The action is limited, scream while you can. We can rant forever, but how long can you listen? We, the TEN-FAT-TIGERS can rehabilitate your atavistic malfunctions, your deformed aescetics, your bright pink bungholes. CONFESS! The rapture will soon come, so get off the receiving side. When your time comes, think of that man on the cross, King of the Badgers, the Messiah for Higher Education, the Bombastic Ratfink! He died for the sins we all wish to commit against the ASM and the student government. Be rational. Be one of us. TEN-FAT-TIGERS is the cess pool in this hall of light. Join our cause and soon the day will come when we can jump up and down atop the Memorial Union and declare: "THE FEEDING HAS BEGUN!"
Play out the madness in our minds and rememeber: Stupid babies need the most attention!
Jonestown Massacre Speech
Oration given 2/26/97 during re-enactment of the Jonestown Massacre after "followers" perished by way of Kool-Aid
Description of the event
People people people! What is this cavalcade of bodies that lie before us? What monstrous mass has fallen on these hallowed concrete grounds? These people are your brethren, and bless their soul, they were gullible enough to drink Kool-Aid that has been spiked by ASM with the sweetest of all liquors, cyanide. SUCKERS! AHAHHAAH HAW! The ASM got you good, eh?!? But we must remember, Deng Xiopeng did not die in vain, he died thousands of miles away. So don't fear the repercussions, drink up! Let the evils of the student government run their course through your veins! Drink the wine and do as baby Jesus said: "Ga-ga bo-boo." But TEN-FAT-TIGERS isn't here to save your soul... I don't care if you are Jim Jones, John Paul Jones or Tom Jones. You are still dead in the eyes of the almighty Board of Regents! We are just here to expose the frail body politic known as the venerable UW-Student. (Oh I wish I could fly fly fly away from this piss hole!) BUT YOU CAN'T ESCAPE! You can only find salvation in an afterlife that consists of nothing more than drinking egg nog with Saladin over the body of a roasted Egyptian. You can't run away and you can't eat gluttony! The ASM is the ladle and the chalice is Chancellor Ward's skull cap. DRINK UP!
Death isn't as bad as the (retching reeling sneering jeering pain pain pain...) MAKE IT STOP! When Voltaire said "I sure do like coffee," he was telling you to fight back against the repression winding its way down your throat! Say it with me:
DRINK UP!
You're only losing your pleasant looks; sacrificed upon the altar of George Patton and plundered by the midget fiends unleashed by the ASM. You bad bad ASM. You evil student government. You STUPID BOORISH OAFS! My dog has less fleas than those brain dead hicks who have strayed too far from the trailer park - AND SOMEHOW, SOMEHOW, THEY ENDED UP IN THOSE OFFICES OVER YONDER. I should know how bad they smell! I am one of them... The ASM poisoned your Kool-Aid, so yes - that's right! I urinated in the Kool-Aid as well. DRINK UP!
Students of the UW unite! You have nothing to lose but your brains!
But this isn't just about TEN-FAT-TIGERS getting elected. Sure, we'd love your votes! We'd love to rule you with and iron fist and SQUELCH ANY SENSE OF MORAL DECENCY FROM YOUR PUNY SKULLS! (This is about the children! The little ones with short arms who are too stupid for their own good!) I've eaten enough caviar to know that it makes for a poor aphrodisiac when you are standing face-to-face with the Dean of Students, Mary Rouse. Oh Mary! Oh Mary, why have you forsaken these poor lifeless souls? Why have you shoved meat hooks in their mouths to tickle their nostril hairs? I'll tell you why... It's because you are supposed to DRINK UP! BE MERRY! Life is a gas and the UW is the chamber! Let the lush liquid flow freely, you'll shit it out in the early morning when your bacon is frying to feed the ASM's war pigs! (But not me! I'm just a boy with no teeth who wants to eat nothing but liver & onions.) You people have no tact! Let TEN-FAT-TIGERS put that kick in your step, the zest in your mess, the pingy in your thingy. Let us feed you the poison. Let TEN-FAT-TIGERS be your gloom & doom - at least we can speed up the process the UW is cramming down your throats! They already have your spleen on a stick - they're selling 'em $4.99/a dozen at Kohl's - do you want them to have your precious bodily fluids too? DRINK UP!
The engineering department needs another fusion reactor! The football team needs a new set of pop-up-books! The duck pond needs a new coke machine, and the inhumane society needs a new bag of kittens to beat. DRINK UP!
Death isn't so bad, you get used to it. RIGOR MORTIS CAN SUSTAIN QUITE AN ERECTION! But never never NEVER start a land war in Asia! TEN-FAT-TIGERS will take care of you when you pass on - we will bury you! This spectacle is only the beginning people! Mass suicide is the latest trend - MTV & Urban Outfitters have given their approval! But do not covet thine neighbor's lawn ornaments. No matter how bad the itch is, TEN-FAT-TIGERS can scratch it. Our sand blasters can buff the most rotten cadavers! Oh, I've seen the UW's secret zombie labs - the secret is that you already are the zombies! But when the cauterized eyelids close shut on many a rapacious bear skin, it will be our fingers that shimmer in the frigid despair of almighty Hoover Vacuum! DRINK UP!
Asphyxiation only hurts the first time and the leg cramps die down after a few days. The ASM is too big for its britches! So as we stand here, ever the idle fools, we know just who to blame for this lack of a creamy, buttery spread! Who caused this mass slaughter? Who caused this hecatomb? Was it you? YES! You with the hair, the one who grins like an idiot doped up on goofballs! (You the one who made me cry for 40 days and nights 'till my panties were soaked and there was no hope for a recovering alcoholic such as myself!) You stupid lout! There's a reason I chose not to wear any underwear today! So DRINK UP!
Oh we don't ask for much! No, TEN-FAT-TIGERS has better things to do than to spare the lives of you petty school kids - but there is too much money to be had, dammit! I would much rather be barking like a boy all day: ARF! ARF! But the ASM won't let me because I fastened my head on too tight! But let the Kool-Aid be your life blood - this is no while alert children, its the real thing. The best way to get back at those pigs up in bascom hall is to kill yourself. HAH! HAHA! Oh we'll show them who is pussy enough in the end. I'm a big pussy! TEN-FAT-TIGERS is a big pussy! Pussy pussy pussy willow! Sure, we are all a bit fruity, but that doesn't mean we can let those vile ASM people continue to beat us with lamb chops. No, we must skin them first. TEN-FAT-TIGERS is all about being skinny, you fatties! We must destroy the ASM then! Dismantle the student government, throw its carcass to the floor and jump up AND DOWN UPON IT! [jump] GO BIG RED! SMASH STATE! DRINK UP!
I'm getting dizzy up here! Is it just me, or am I not the reincarnation of Franco? TEN-FAT-TIGERS shall - nay, TEN-FAT-TIGERS MUST overcome that lackadaisical Board of Regents. Soon this campus will be ours students! We can fill it with as many bodies as we like! President Fujimori would be proud! DRINK UP!
Today is just the beginning. TEN-FAT-TIGERS will continue to make less and less sense as we proceed. And remember: I am Jim Jones! I am divine! Dontcha wanna get closer to God, baby? I CAN SEE THEM COMING THROUGH THE FOREST! Drink up my children, DRINK UP! [fall down]
Chain-Gang Speech
Oration given 3/11/97 following a few selected songs performed by two "prisoners" and the "Warden"
Description of the event
My children! Have you no fear? When you march off to class do your knees not shake and your pelvis not gyrate? TEN-FAT-TIGERS knows fear, oh indeed we do! We know horrors far beyond your adjustable Craftmatic Bed dreams! (We know of sugar pies and lollipops) and of stuffing clams into the eyes of little children. This gang of thieves before you is not guilty! Oh sure one killed a man, another sold his body and another sold his soul to James Brown... But hell if I care, they are but students and I am but a man (REALLY REALLY TRYING TO BE KING!) But is it really Chancellor Ward's fault? Maybe its your! You and Reebok, in cahoots together! You, you in the hat! I see that snide look on your face. You know what's really going on, don't you? You know who enslaved the students. You know what shot down TWA 800! You know who put shaving cream in my pants (so I cant help but to talk like this!) ITS THE ASM! That cursed ASM made these poor kids chant like this:
(Chain-Gang:) Ohh-ee-oooh...
But in this insepit garden where grow RECTALL PROBING dreams and aspirations of many a fine looking GANGRENEOUS boy who couldn't help but to FROTH AT THE MOUTH and say, "We begin bombing in 5 minutes." You imbeciles! You let the ASM sell you out. You let them make you THINK you need a student government. Why? TEN-FAT-TIGERS will gladly rule over you with a jack boot to your face! Be free my children! Run naked to your classes! Tear off the material constraints the Board of Regents have forced you to wear! See this? ITS A NOSE! How did it get there? None of you know, eh? THE ASM MADE YOU STICK IT ON YOUR FACE! Tear it off! Tear off the nose! - ach! OW! dammit. Eh, perhaps you shouldn't. BUT WE CAN tear down the oligarchic sybols of this university! Next time you see that flag of Buckey Badger in that commie red field, tear it down! The TEN-FAT-TIGERS flag instead features 3 pregnant women and a little boy pissing in the river! Be free my children! STOP (shaking and breaking all the way around!) Be free so these prisoners need not chant like this:
(Chain-Gang:) Boom-shakalaka-laka-boom!
For here I am! Rock me like a hurricane! Oh, there very well may be blood in my stool, but I'm no prisoner to this system! TEN-FAT-TIGERS goes both ways! TEN-FAT-TIGERS knows the back door. TEN-FAT-TIGERS is not afraid to drool like idiots, so WORK IT GIRL! You see, nihilism is not just an abstract concept, it is a soft plush toy, NOT UNLIKE A FINGER-ME-ELMO doll! So be free! You will all be so much happier away from the tyranny! No - you, you right there, you are walking TOWARDS the tyranny and opression! Turn around, dammit. These so called classes you attend? What of them? Oh, they are nothing more than testing grounds for cramming white trash culture in your heads! Some people never learn. Not TEN-FAT-TIGERS though. TEN-FAT-TIGERS just choses to ignore the reality. (We live a happy life where I am Matilda the fairy queen!) GOD I HATE WHITE PEOPLE! Tom Jones would certainly know better than to spit on his own people! No me! [spit] So please people, as you trudge off to face your assorted sordid destines, keep this in mind: TEN-FAT-TIGERS is one step behind you, ALWAYS READY TO STAB YOU IN THE BACK! If bladder control isn't a comical issue, then what about the swift hand of justice KNOCKING AT THE DOOR? [hit self] (ough! Stop it!)
Don't know wha to do, eh? Don't know where to turn for high fidelity surround sound? Well vote TEN-FAT-TIGERS, kick the bums out, hang David Ward by the sour apple tree. TEN-FAT-TIGERS is here as Aleister Crowley once said, "Not for your minds, but for your testicles." So set these people free or they'll continue to chant like this:
(Chain-Gang:) That's the sound, of the men working on the chain... ga-aang...
Mock Uprising Speech
Oration given 10/14/96 following a rising to overthrow the "Evil ASM" tyrrant
Description of the event
happiness... Noo... Ten-Fat-Tigers is about the PIG EARS! MY EARS LOOK LIKE LITTLE PIGS! OOOH! Right is the flowering boy! Wrong is the hanging cadaver, We have a great chance here folks. We are on the threshold of the great Flacid American Dream. No temperment can hold us back. No leniancy on the ASM's part can stop our hordes from striking. Beware the Barbarians of the East. The tartars will eat your children and what will the ASM do about it? We must shed the bullet ridden bodies. This is a time of war. A lot of you may ask yourselves why are we out to destroy a town with no apparent strategic value whatsoever. But keep YOUR HEADS HIGH CHILDREN! Lift! Lift your swollen bodice above the clouds. Let it go. Plummit! These hallowed shores will once again feel the sharp rectal probing of Ten-Fat-Tigers. We must have solidarity with our Polish working brothers. But keep your mind in the gutter. Ten-Fat-Tigers is about purity, hope and good times when HOMEY BREAK OUT HIS AK. FUCK IT ALL UP AN' TAKE IT AWAY. DAMN - GO GAFFOLATE YO ASS. Break it off gentlemen. We are gathered to pay tribute to a fallen flock of sheep who lost their way among the towers of grass that grow between my fingers. STOP YOUR RUNNING! It wasn't like this back in 1776. No, back in 1776 they were too usy saying things like (I wish I was a lollipop who could fly!) They didn't know any better back then!
We must EXPOSE! The ASM slant drilling practices. EXPOSE their nuclear weapons arsenal. EXPOSE their anti-gravity devices. EXPOSE their poor taste by constantly trying to make cafeteria food jokes!
The ASM caused "Newsies" to flop.
Perhaps if the ASM did not unleash the bubonic plague upon the students, we wouldn't have to do this!
Let it ring all across the land! Ten-Fat-Tigers is:
FREEDOM [minions: Freedom!]
HOPE [minions: Hope!]
HARMONY [minions: Harmony!]
JUSTICE [minions: Justice!]
ELOQUENCE [minions: My hands! Noo!]
A GREAT BIG MAN WITH A WALRUS NOSE WHO YELLS "BULLAH BULLAH BULLAH!" to every damn person he sees.
Stop the pain. Endure the morphine. We slip into your veins. This revolution shall not falter, oh lord no. If she were here today! IF SHE WERE HERE TODAY, STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE would not have allowed for these attrocities! She would burn the ASM at the stake.
Ohh to you Chancellor Ward, we cry out (POOPY ON YOU!) POOP! POOP! Ahhahahah! AHAHAHHAH!
You fools. Stop cowering. Awaken to the smell of our fresh cut hay. But don't fear us.
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