Platform Planks

The following is a listing of that which the Order of Ten-Fat-Tigers has promised the beleagured students of the University of Wisconsin over the past few years.

Each one of them has been carried out to the fullest extent possible. Most will look familiar to those who are acquainted with Ten-Fat-Tigers' Contraction With America.

Renaming of UW-Madison to UW-Yall So Stupid. Student elected professors. We demand the union of all Germans to form a Great Germany on the basis of the right of self-determination of nations. Racing of the bulls along University Avenue. Nap time. A $100,000 grant dedicated DIRECTLY to buying beer for you, the student. This is enough money for roughly 1000 barrels of beer, which should be plenty to get EVERYBODY drunk. Decriminalization of all Mafia-related felonies. Gladiatorial combat in the Humanities Building courtyard to appease the populace. Armed border posts to protect students from incessant Magyar incursions. Trained monkeys to distribute all course handouts. A rocket in every pocket. A people zoo. A rigid new authoritarian student-police state where all student decisions are rewarded or punished on a food pellet/electric shock basis. A sincere attempt to provide Jacuzzis to the residence halls. Renaming of all buildings as "LIvestock Laboratory" to lessen confusion. Founding of a dynastic empire that will conquer outlying territory to fascilitate the ever-growing student population, and to exact funds from hapless peasantry - in the interest of lowering tuition. School uniforms provided by the hippest place on Earth, Urban Outfitters. Leveling Bascom Hill. A strict eugenics program, aimed at producing humans with greater alcohol tolerance. A Student run television station that shall facilitate ignorance of political strife at home and abroad. Resurrecting Buster Keaton, in order that his crazy antics may amuse us all. Free distribution of Prozac. A reconstitution of Mehmed VI to the Ottoman throne. Russian mail-order bride service. A holy crusade to finally convert those heathen Methodists to Hinduism. Opening up full diplomatic relations with Finland, The UW's next partner in world domination. Re-establish funding for the Chocolate-Enema Foundation of Wisconsin. Mama's little baby loves shortnin', shortnin', mama's little baby loves shortnin' bread. A ban on the distribution of flyers and other leaflets. Live go-go dancers in cages on each landing of the Van Hise Building's stairwell. Legalization of kitten smoking. A culmination of all UW athletic activities into one gigantic 200-person/6-acre field sport that will be called "Wanker" and utilize real faux-pig's blood. Establishment of a black market trade center, so poorer students can profit by selling off kidneys or their TA's. A rechristianing of 'the Badgers' to 'the Leaping Lepers'. Continued pursuit to accelerate the genetic ascendency of the Douglas Fir Tree as the master species of Earth. Full dynamic high-fidelity stereo sound. Creation of an institution of education where 'students' attend 'classes' so they may learn things for future application at places of employment Mandatory Esperanto classes. The institution of a Committee For Public Safety to be run by 12 wacky Frenchmen and their pet guillotine. Child Labor day for students. "Helpin' out" Cuddles so he "kin git fiddy cent fo' a burrito". A return of "Cop Rock" to primetime television. A welcoming gift for all incoming freshmen to consist of a copy of "Catcher In The Rye" and a handgun. Ebonics translators in each classroom ("Dat shit be rappin' all fly an' shit.")

tft@stdorg.wisc.edu