| DEFCON | Situation |
|---|---|
|
5 4 3 2 1 |
Lone Hippie Drum Circle Hippie Love Fest Hippie Block Party Phish Concert |
SOAP ON A ROPE: This may be used as a low-level means of warding off longhairs as they will keep a good distance from your charm. DEFCON 5
TICKS: Ticks are a hippie's worst enemy. Obtain a box of ticks and sprinkle themt at will upon passing hippies. The bugs will love the bountiful playgrounds upon the hippies' heads. DEFCON 5, 4
BLACK SPRAY PAINT: Attacks with black or any metallic colored spray paint will surely humiliate the longhair among his/her peers. WARNING: Use of any other color will conversely enhance the hippie's social standing. DEFCON 5, 4
SCISSORS: Sneaking up and cutting off dreadlocks on an unsuspecting hippie will likely result in cardiac arrest when the target becomes aware of what has transpired. DEFCON 5
D.E.A. JACKETS: Hippies, as abusers of chemical substances are always in constant fear of being caught by police agencies ("the fuzz"). Wearing a Drug Enforcement Agency jacket about will not only ward off hippies, but scare them away as they are forced to eat their illicit drugs. DEFCON 5, 4, 3
HOBOS: Hippies, despite their distasteful appearance, are typically nothing more than rich white kids. As such, they greatly fear contact with the poor and down-trodden. This tactic works in close quarters as the similarity in smells between the hippie and the hobo will lead the longhair to believe a brother hippie is near until it is too late. DEFCON 5, 4, 3
TEAR GAS: Often used in the past against threatening masses of hippies, tear gas will scatter those who are not too doped up to notice. DEFCON 3, 2
HEAD SHOP SHIT ATTACK: Fill a large padded envelope with watered-down fecal matter and insert under door of a locked head shop or hippie cafe. Jump on top of envelope to spray its contents inside. DEFCON 3
CAN OF RAID: Use Raid or other cheap insecticides to spray in the face of a hippie's pet ferret. Asphyxiation or severe illness should set in for the ferret. The hippie will then cry. DEFCON 5
COWTROPS: Drop nice, sharp but small-sized cowtrops around the locations where hippies frequent, or pass through. While the calpers will just annoyingly stick to the sole of an average person's shoe, barefoot free-loving hippies will be rendered crippled. DEFCON 4, 3
BASEBALL BAT: A few good wacks to the knees will stop any passing hippie in his/her tracks. This is especially useful for marijuana legalization marches or when being pursued by a hippie. DEFCON 5
MACHETE: Maniacal wielding of a large bladed weapon, inflicting injuries upon those who would get too close, is a highly effective method when encountering small to medium sized groups of hippies. Any amount of bloodletting will cause the non-injured to flee in terror or faint on the spot. DEFCON 4, 3
WILD BOAR: Release of a wild boar at a co-op where some hippies are having a love in is sure to turn their free love into a blood orgy. Let the hilarity ensue. DEFCON 3
BOMB: Placement of a large explosive devise underneath the sound stage just prior to a hippie concert or festival should kill off enough longhairs to bring absolute contentment in life. Include nails and metal shreds for the added delight of flayed hippie skins. DEFCON 1
PARAFFIN: Mixing paraffin or a strong solid-state toxin into the marijuana supply (or "stash") of a hippie should be sufficient to cause permanent damage or death. Potential brain damage, however, will be mitigated by the fact that the target, being a hippie, will already suffer from that particular condition. DEFCON 5
LYE-DYE T-SHIRT: Give away tie-dye t-shirts which you have cleverly soaked in caustic lye. Revel with delight as you watch an unsuspecting hippie put the t-shirt on and begin screaming in pain. DEFCON 5
FORMALDEHYDE BONG: Sucker a few hippies into taking a couple "hits" off such a bong and they should be laying stiff in no time. DEFCON 5, 4
POISONOUS 'SHROOMS: Sell off a bag of these delights, nicely dried and perhaps discolored to resemble the real thing and watch some peace loving dudes go on the last trip of their lives. (Thanks to chimchim8@aol.com for this one.)DEFCON 5, 4
FLUFFY DOG: No hippie can resist wanting to shower love and attention upon a fluffy dog. Before showing the dog off to the hippies, however, insert a large explosive inside the fluffy dog's rectal cavity. If the blast doesn't kill them, the scattered fluffy dog parts should at least scare them into eating meat again. DEFCON 5, 4, 3
C-4 Tape Deck: Similar to the fluffy dog (see above) a tape deck found in a park blasting one of the Greatful Dead's many tedious bootlegs will attrack hippies from far. As they dance naked a simple timing mechanism connected to some C-4 can make their groove a lot more frantic as hair and dirt flies in every direction. (Thanks to Iaintgoth2@aol.com for this one.)DEFCON 5, 4, 3
RAINSTICK PIPEBOMB: Next time the hippies want to "groove" to some tribal beats and they pull out their synthetically manufactured rainstick, be sure to replace it with a decoy that has a percussive explosive inside. This also works with bongos, but its not quite as funny. (Thanks to Scott for this one.) DEFCON 4, 3
DECOY MINIBUS: Stationing a VW Minibus in close proximity to a hippie event will invariable draw their attention. Adjust the exhaust pipe to blow into the back of the bus and seal it off from the cab. You are then free to lure them inside the vehicle where they should find themselves on a death ride to meet Jerry. DEFCON 3, 2, 1
